Change: no Change

Poetry International / Rotterdam / 13 juni 1998 / Paul Dutton over veranderen

I figure I got to know myself some these last few decades. Figure I figured out more than two or three things. Like, I know I got a basic inability to lie and a general repugnance for violence. Course I know I'm selfish and a bit vengeful, too. And I have my excesses, which I'm not keen to curtail. But as much as I know, it seems I got enough still to learn, given what's happened this last little while: been being unlike me - or what I thought was me. Oh I don't mean anything dramatic, like becoming a politician or maiming random victims. No, no. Subtler stuff, hard to say exactly what, but there, all the same. All the same and still. All the same and still somewhat different, like a few degrees off what used to be, off me.
"A change?" you ask. "Not a misconception, but a new element?" Well, one of the things I know about myself is that I'll consider any possibility, so I won't just reject that one. But I won't pretend to believe (I can't lie) that it's always been there. Maybe it has: it's always been there and I've always been here. Both it and I are here and now and now and then are neither here nor there but somewhere all the same. Where is there a here and now that could've been the same - was, anyway, I don't know; as someone said once: "Could've been." Which once I said, or if I didn't, could've. And since I could've, will. As you will, and as I was. And am. And could've been. Probably am, and for sure will be, as I will will be – as I am. And I am and I was and I will be - as I was. And I was and I am as I am - and I will be. As I am, I can't really be more than I am. Nor would I want to. Not that I can say for sure that I wouldn't want to. Not that I would; I just can't say for sure that I wouldn't. Which is the kind of thing I would do: not say flat out that I would or I wouldn't. Because I'm aware of possibilities and I won't say I always will when I know there might be a time when I know that I always won't. Not that I'd want there to be a time when I'd want to be anything more than what I am. It wouldn't be like me to be like that. But it would be like me - and it is like me - to be aware that even though that's just not like me, that doesn't mean that it couldn't be me, because it could. Though it's not like me to not want to be what I could be, which is just like me; it's just like me to want to be just like what I could want to be just what I want like just what I am. And I am, as I said at the outset, lately being unlike me.

Paul Dutton